Ebony Hide by Boo Cook
Flashing Lights: The Greatest Music Video in the History of Mankind
I apologize for this dated reference, but since MTV stopped playing — you know, music — I assumed that no one was making music videos anymore. I found out how wrong I was when I stumbled upon a Kanye West music-video block on some obscure Asian cable channel (Yes, a music block; at least five Kanye songs, interrupted only by wacky promos for Super Terrific Awesome Hello Kitty-type Things. I’m starting to think that the Asian continent loves Yeezy like Germans dig David Hasselhoff. It’s almost as wacky.)
There are few Hip Hop stars more polarizing than West. People either cite him as a musical genius, or they want to see him bludgeoned to death with a blunt object. I’d like to think that I fall somewhere in-between. While I think that he’s wildly overrated and that he often cranks out overproduced cow-pies, he has also produced a few legitimately good tracks (Gold Digger, Can’t Tell Me Nothing, Stronger, Flashing Lights, and Blame Game to name a few).
The beginning to Flashing Lights just happened to be one of the videos I stumbled upon. It also just happens to be my favorite “Yeezy” song. I decided to stick around, crank up the volume, and just enjoy what I assumed to be three minutes of Kanye mugging and doing his swagger thing. But as those of you who have already seen this video know, that’s not what transpired.
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you, the absolute greatest music video of all-time.
0:27 – queue badass baseline, badass mystery chick in a fur coat stepping out of a sports car and sauntering away like a muthaphuckin boss. She didn’t even bother to close the door, turn off the lights, or stop the engine, which leads me to believe that if anyone tries to steal her shit, she’s packing a hand-cannon inside that coat. I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I can tell I’m going to enjoy this music video.
0:43 – the coat has come off, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! THAT CHICK HAS TO HAVE BACKPAIN CARRYING THOSE THINGS AROUND! “Those” were not the weaponry I was expecting, but clearly they’re the weaponry I deserve. Borrowing a phrase from the film A Christmas Story, my eyes boggled, overcome by “art”.
0:51 – the skirt is off! The skirt is off! Let’s check the official time… yes! It’s a new record in a video not explicitly dedicated to pornography! This woman just nonchalantly flung off her skirt and flaunted her magnificent, voluptuous thickness like it was laundry day in the middle of nowhere. I am completely perplexed by this beginning. Turned-on, of course, but still… perplexed.
0:58 – out comes the blurple! What can they possibly be censoring on this stacked, already half-naked chick? I’ve pretty much seen it all already, haven’t I? It’s like watching a porno where all the cigarette-smoking scenes are blured-out.
1:20 – OK, so to recap: dousing her skirt with an apparent accelerant needs to be blurpled, but the badass half-naked boss-chick lighting a cigarette, and then casually igniting the skirt with the tossed lighter is fair game. Lighter fluid: bad. Oddly-placed arson: acceptable. Just so we’re all clear on this.
(Aside: Watching this chick burn her skirt in the desert kinda brings a new clarity to the Monica Lewinsky scandal, doesn’t it? In that regard, doesn’t this scene make more sense? A chick wanting to burn her accidentally “soiled” outfit in lieu of being subpoenaed for allegedly being doused in some head-of-state’s shame-juice? I don’t know if that’s the point of this video, but if so, I totally and wholeheartedly endorse this scene.)
1:21-1:31 – I could watch this segment on a repeated loop for at least five minutes. I feel you need to know these things.
1:45 – oh shit. She’s popping the trunk. I have no idea what’s in the trunk. If I had to guess, I’d say a change of clothes, but it’s probably more evidence to be burned. I just hope she takes her time fishing it out, knaamean?
1:50 – oh SHIT. It’s a tied-up body. Taking a page from Goodfellas’ Billy Batts “shinebox” aftermath perhaps? This is shaping up to be one sexy body-dump…
1:58 – OH NO SHE DIDN’T KIDNAP AND TIE-UP YEEZY! See? That’s just how it happens. (Do I even need to add smh here?) I was just telling my wife Bookie the other day; interrupt white women’s acceptance speeches, fuck around with those Kardashians, and it will eventually come to this, without fail. I kinda felt that it would either be Kanye in there or Kris Humphreys.
2:14 – uh-oh…
2:19 – uh-ohhhh…
2:21 – not good…
2:22 - wait… no she’s not…
2:23 - no… no… nonononono she’s not gonna-
2:24 – HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK!
2:26 – THAT’S GOTTA HURT!
2:31 – SHE’S STILL GOING AT THIS DUDE WITH A FUCKING SHOVEL! YEEZY HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED! FIRST TUPAC, THEN BIGGIE, NOW KANYE! HOW DID OBAMA LET THIS HAPPEN??
2:46 – I am… just… stunned into silent reflection. Wow. A hot, half-naked, big-boobed, booty-butt-cheek, badass bosslady totally shovel-murdered (shovered?) an incapacitated, obviously terrified Kanye West in the trunk of a car in the middle of nowhere like some kind of sexy, sultry sociopath. I submit to you, the greatest music video in the history of mankind. Say what you want about Yeezy, but that dude really knows what his fans want to see.
Hi, Neil. In a recent VlogBros. video Hank Green said that 50 Shades of Grey has sold more copies than the number of books Ray Bradbury sold in his lifetime. That worries me, and I’m afraid that it will become increasingly difficult to find brilliant literature in the future….
Rajon Rondo after last night’s Celtics loss: “Don’t film me!”
RAJON RONDO WEARS AWFUL JACKET, GETS MAD AT CAMERAMAN
Inside the NBA is MUST WATCH television after playoff games. Charles and Kenny are on top of their game, Shaq makes me laugh at least once every show, and Ernie does a masterful job jockeying all three.
Last night, they went in on coaches, called Kobe a nuclear weapon, sent the Orlando Magic fishin’, and had some fun with Rajon Rondo’s jacket.
In the video above, Rajondo scolds a cameraman for filming him, saying,
“How many times am I gonna tell you? Stop filming me.”
When asked for Rondo’s reasoning, Barkley said,
“I think he was mad about that jacket he was wearing. ‘I don’t want America to know I’m wearing this jacket. Don’t film me.’”
#GotEmCoach
